Looking less like a cold, stale fishstick than usual, Gwyneth Paltrow got all Photoshopped for the cover of Self magazine and told us peons how we can have a body like hers, providing we win the lottery and can afford her trainer and chef.

When asked how she got to be so perfect, Gwyneth credited her trainer with shaping up her problem area. “My butt! My butt, butt, butt. When Tracy met me, she said that I had a long, square butt that she was going to redesign, and I was, like, ‘Yeah? Good luck.’ The amazing thing is, she was right! And it’s still changing!”

The overrated actress also revealed her fitness secret: “I do 45 minutes of cardio five days a week, because I like to eat. I also try for 45 minutes of muscular structure work, which is toning, realigning and lengthening. If I’m prepping for something or I’ve been eating a lot of pie, I do two hours a day, six days a week for two weeks.” That probably explains why her kids call the nanny “Mom,” since she spends so much time in the gym she never sees them.